Who Am I?

As a leader, you are supposed to lead.   What the fuck does that mean?  I am wild.   I am full of random emotions – mostly love – that explode out of me when least expecting.   I love singing my heart out and dancing like a madman; running around with as little clothes on as possible and passing out in the sun. I like to be spontaneous and I tend to freak out if I feel tied down.  I love to be silent, still, outside and with animals.  That’s where my heart feels the most open and at ease.  Sure I have other qualities that fit more into the leadership department, but when I think of my essence, my truth, it stands out most in these situations.  My question though is; is this the picture of a person who inspire others to greatness?

Leading involves people (personalities, egos, emotions), and I have mixed feelings about people.   On one hand I love them.  I love the variety of stories, experiences, perspectives, shapes, sizes, colors and character that exist.  I love connecting with people on a different level, the one below all that surface stuff, connecting to the heart or soul or whatever connection that is that makes you feel warm and open.
On the other hand, people are tricky.  I am currently running a business made primarily of a close group of friends in an industry that’s run on passion.  Though these people are my friends, I for some reason, transform into this heady (and I mean, in-the-head/EGO, not hippie/heady – that would probably be better…)micro-manager when called to ‘lead’ them.  I enter into an office or a room and suddenly I’m out of my heart and existing only in my head, making decisions and observations from the orb perched upon the neck that, while smart as hell, without input from my heart (wiser then hell) can be quite rash.  And, not the best leader.
Since I am sensitive, I feed off energy around me.  If there’s fear, I’m scared; if there’s ego or defenses, I put up my walls; if there’s love, I’m giving it right back.  To observe the tone is one thing and to not let it get to you is another…

The head and the heart must work together.  I am currently out of balance with these two operators and I have a suspicion that this is one of the reasons I’m having thyroid problems and the auto-immune phenomenon.  My head (ego/false self) is being fed by my heart (true self/connector) and is THRIVING.  My head constantly hurts and my neck feels like it’s going to bend at any moment from the weight it’s carrying.  Oh my god.   It’s so heavy!   Fat head – been indulging in a little too much of the good stuff and not getting enough exercise.  Messages, feelings, thoughts must travel up and down the channel to keep it all in check.  When heart can’t access thoughts, the mind will follow thoughts without sense and visa versa.  They need to work together.   The dam in my neck is preventing collaboration.

So back to leadership…..     I believe that authenticity is an important trait in leadership and lately I have not been my authentic self (because of the above dam).  I know I have what it takes to be a leader and I know that when I’m not thinking about it – when I’m in my element, I am a natural leader.  I inspire, encourage, support and cheer on whoever I”m with.
So my work now, is to break the dam that’s holding it all up.  To muster the courage to go down into my heart and see what she sees, feels, hears, and transmit the message back up.  It’s a good heart that’s full of love, compassion and joy, and I want to sare that.
So, who am I?   I know who I am, I just gotta find her again….IMG_2991

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